I've Got 99 Thoughts (And 98 Involve My Dog)

I've also got 99 problems but my dog ain't one.

Have you ever taken stock of how many times you consider your dog in an average day? No? Me neither….until recently.

Last Saturday, I was trying to get Dezi to leave the dog park, but instead, she laid down in a snow bank and defiantly stared at me. I tried to trick her by getting in my car and starting up as if I was leaving but she just laid there, deadpan.

It wasn’t until I put my car in reverse and called out, “Okay…byyyye.” She hightailed it toward the parking lot and jumped in the car. Never fails.

I’ve only had to play this game a handful of times, and each time, I can’t help but have a near meltdown over thoughts of people who actually follow through—people who ditch their dogs in places far less friendly than dog parks and speed off, willfully abandoning their dogs.

After playing the game with Dezi, I spent the entire ride home explaining to her that I would never abandon her. I carried on a fifteen-minute, one-sided conversation with her about how it’s just a game and why I have to use it sometimes.

This midday dog park episode got me thinking about how many of my daily thoughts are centered around my dog. It’s shocking, to be honest. 😁

Here’s how last Saturday went:

• I woke up to a fresh dump of snow on the ground and immediately thought how much Dezi would like her morning pee walk (she loves snow).

• We immediately went for the pee walk and I video’d her walking up our street in the snow.

• I ask her what she smells when she buries her face in fresh rabbit or deer tracks in the snow.

• We had a conversation about breakfast all the way back home.

• I verbally hyped up her breakfast while making it…as if she cared what was in the bowl as long as it was edible.

• After her breakfast, I told her I was making coffee, as if she cared.

• Sat down with my coffee and edited the video of our walk so I could post it on Substack.

• That afternoon, I had a Substack LIVE scheduled with

  Robin Wilding
  , so I rearranged my daily dog-walking schedule. In fact, I distinctly remember Robin and I discussing how we would both rearrange our dog-walk times to accommodate our Live. Because we have no friends, and our entire lives revolve around walking our dogs. 😆

• I felt it necessary to tell my dog when I was getting in the shower.

• I invited her to come outside and shovel the driveway with me.

• I regularly tell her when I’m lighting candles so we can “brighten our day” - my exact words - to a dog.

• I texted my best friend to set a time for our Sunday dog park date.

• I narrated my swiff-the-floor session out loud to Dezi.

• As I threw out the Swiffer cloth, I told her it was pointless because I’d need to swiff again in five minutes.

• I told Dezi that I didn’t feel like cooking that weekend, so we’d go pick up takeout instead.

• She licked the plate after I had finished the takeout.

• Literally EVERY time I go to the bathroom, I tell her I’m going and she usually stands guard while I’m on the throne.

• Every time we go for a walk, I narrate what I’m doing as I put on my boots, hat, mittens, etc, as if it makes her wait time less of a chore.

• I tell her she stinks.

• I tell her she’s the best in the whole world.

• I tell her she’s a nerd, a doorknob, and a nut.

• I ask her what she sees as she sits by the window, staring off into the woods behind our house. We occasionally see deer back there and I think she wants to join them.

• I narrate the process of getting her supper and treat ball ready.

• I sometimes ask her what she wants to watch on TV in the evenings.

• Often, I turn on Dogtube or Horsetube while she’s resting. She’s obsessed with horses on TV.

• Again, at bedtime, I tell her she’s the best ever and that she deserves the best sleep in the world.

• And when she tucks her nose into her paw while she sleeps, I literally just sit and stare at her because it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

• And the next day? Rinse; repeat.

Does this sound like a typical day in your house?