The Most Unusual Question Ever Asked About My Dog
Complete with forensic evidence that she's the muttiest of mutts.
Have you ever tried dog DNA testing?
I've tried two different tests in my quest to uncover which breeds were tossed into a blender to produce the fantastical creature that sleeps in my bed.
Since I like to shop locally, the first DNA test I ordered was from a Canadian brand. I wrote about that debacle RIGHT HERE.
Sorry, Canada. You let me down this time.
After that, I had pretty much resigned myself to never truly knowing. A small part of me didn’t really care either, but when people ask every single day what breed she is, it would be nice to have an answer other than, “She’s a Shepherd/Clown mix.”
A year after the first test, I dug deep into my Canadian pockets and shelled out American dollars to attempt the Embark Dog DNA test. I couldn’t help it. Their Instagram feed is so exciting for all the other dog moms that it gave me a severe case of FOMO. I desperately wanted the same feeling.
Once my DNA test kit arrived in the mail, I swabbed Dezi’s mouth with the precision of a forensic scientist, unlike the first time when she was a puppy. Have you ever tried swabbing the inside cheek of a six-month-old puppy who thinks life is one big circus?
Getting a Q-Tip into her mouth was like trying to ride a bull for eight seconds.
After our much calmer second swab attempt, I packed our test tube and trotted off to the post office.
Now for the weirdest question ever asked about my dog.
I don’t know how American post offices work but here in Canada, they need to know the contents and the monetary value of any parcel being mailed. It wasn’t until the clerk asked what was inside that I realized how stupid it sounded.
Clerk: “What's inside the package?”
Me: “Ummm…a dog DNA sample?”
Clerk: “Sooo…dog spit then?”
Me (awkwardly): “Ummm…yep. If you want to be literal about it.”
Clerk: “What is the value of it?”
Me:
No one has ever asked me what my dog’s spit is worth. It’s kind of a personal question, no?
In my head, I had crafted not one but two expert answers to her question.
First answer: “Priceless.”
Second answer: “That depends. If you’re planning to steal it and clone my dog, it’s worth a trillion dollars and I hold the rights to all future clones.”
Real answer: “Hmmm…”
Watching me take half a century to answer the question, she promptly wrote $50.00 on the packing slip and called it a day. I feel like she undercut our value a little.
When all was said and done, our parcel was sent off into the great big world all by itself. Sort of like sending a child off to college and hoping she comes back smarter with more life experience.
Roughly one month later I received what I had been waiting for - an email containing our DNA test results with the added bonus of access to several of her relatives’ profiles.
53.1% is the highest dose of Supermutt I’ve ever seen in any dog DNA results featured on Embark’s Instagram. They say “Supermutt” means there are so many random breeds that no definitive conclusion could ever be revealed.
Sort of like a glitter bomb or a piñata.
If you were to open her up her DNA might look like…
One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t love her any less even if she came from an unruly pack of rabid wolverines. Sometimes, when I watch (and listen to) her performing very angry Zoomies, I think that’s exactly where she came from. 😂
Pretty sure she’s had mad cow disease from the very beginning.
The foster people told us Casey was a lab/pug mix. The test says he hasn’t a jot of lab or pug. Mostly hound, with a little bulldog and Boston terrier. Almost everything the foster mom told us was wrong. The exception: “He’s perfect for you.”
So, funny story. I got a DNA test kit for my dog as a present a long time ago, which I did. Years later my wife's friend across town got a dog and just happened to do a DNA test from the same company. Their results showed other dogs in the system nearby who are close relatives. Turns out their dog and my dog are cousins!